5daggeredhearts' Journals

No one's hell but you're own, right?

It's true. It doesn't bring you to the burning, screaming realms of Hell, itself, but YOUR own hell. The place you can't escape unless you take a pill. It lasts a few minutes, hours. But it always brings you back, right? Your hell is a place you could never imagine being. For some, it's just a dark room. A dark empty room with no one there and you're left in there to suffer from things in your mind. Things that burn with you for the rest of your life. For others, it's a plain blank white room. With no one, nothing. Just you. You feel empty. You feel weak. You don't have anything in that room except for yourself. And you still suffer with nothing. Because we all need something in our lives. Wiether it's a boyfreind, girlfreind, money, wife, husband, knowlege, career. We ALL need that special something otherwise, we're all empty.

But what if you have something and it goes? Then what are we left with, then? Are we left in that room again? Or do we go throught of stages of Denial and so forth.

What is the cure for it?

Tell me, I'd love to know.

I'm leaving.

I'm thinking of leaving this place for a while, just so I can sit my head around things.

I'll still like, check the forums. But, I don't think I'll reply.

xoxoxo

I'm leaving.

I'm thinking of leaving this place for a while, just so I can sit my head around things.

I'll still like, check the forums. But, I don't think I'll reply.

xoxoxo

A good poem I think you read. (All done by my best mate Pip ^_^)

Once abandoned by the ones you love
why must this show go on!!!
petrified of oncoming existence
was then that my path began again!!!

endorse thy ailments
uphold the tragic
embrace the glory
tears evaporate
like magic

start process of
elimination
requesting time
for intervention
better than suicide
better than life

wield thy sorrows
as we begin to run`

take my hand
Arch angel of bliss
give your pain to me!!

drawn together
hoist the substance
seek ambition
naught acceptance

endorse thy ailments
uphold the tragic
embrace the glory
naught a death so
undeserved

Help me...

I don't know what to do anymore.

I've been with him for quite a while. I fucking love him more than anything in my whole life.

I feel a connection. I do.

But is it strong enough?

Does he love me as much?

He tells me.

But is it true?

My mind is so fucked up.

Someone help.

Revolve Around Me...(Part 2) Love Sick

Roseâ�™s POV

I was literally running to the Record Label office to get to the meeting. I was already like, 20 minutes late because I missed the fucking bus so I had to walk which really pissed me off and itâ�™s raining like hell and I left my coat at home so right now I look like Iâ�™ve come back from some wet t-shirt competition. My hair is all over the place thanks to the wind and now the topping to a perfect morning like mine is not being able to find your cell. Niceâ�¦

I ran in the building as fast as I could. I must have pushed past so many people but I couldnâ�™t give a shit right now. I couldnâ�™t be bothered waiting for the elevator so I ran my ass up the stairs and ran to the meeting room.

â�œRose, what the fuckinâ�™ fuck girl?!â� I heard Kim shout. I looked up and saw everyoneâ�™s face on me. I didnâ�™t look that badâ�¦did I?

â�œWell, seeing from you guys faces I got some explaining to doâ�¦â� Then I started. â�œBasically. Iâ�™m late â�˜cause I missed the bus and I had to walk or wait another hour for another bus. Then it started to rain and I didnâ�™t have a coat which explains why my t-shirt is see-through. Then the wind blew and my hair got caught in it so it looks like I have sex hair. Then I lost my cell and now we have me standing here telling you guys.â�

â�œâ�¦Okayâ�¦.whateverâ�¦lets do this meeting thing thenâ�¦â� Kim said and I just sat down.

â�œWell, basically, we were visiting Eyeball last week and we heard some of your stuff.â� I heard Gerard say. â�œAnd we love it. Soâ�¦weâ�™re touring around the U.S for the first time and as you know we were hoping you guys would be our supporting act,â�

â�œThese are all the dates of the tour and all the other shit. Like where we are going. We will get Reprise to provide stuff like, the bus and what not.â� Brian told me and Kim. â�œYouâ�™ll be leaving around late January, late February so youâ�™ll have a 4 month break to get prepared.â�

I didnâ�™t pay attention after that. I donâ�™t know. I was just lost in my thoughts I guess. It happens to me a lot. I just think about stuff like, Stuart. My life. My career. I mean, Iâ�™m going somewhere with my life. For onceâ�¦

The meeting wrapped up pretty quickly and I walked out to the bus stop. I just put my Ipod on shuffle and see what life wants me to listen to for today.

â�œAnd I'm not running any more.
I'll stand to face it all.
I'll fight for every breath until there's nothing left of us
I need you to believe in me
Oh my godâ�

I listened to that song throughout the bus journey until I reached the stop outside my house. I noticed the car outside so Iâ�™m guessing Stuart is home luckily. Iâ�™ve always loved him being home before me.

I walked in the house and put my bag on the rack. I heard noises coming from somewhere so I walked towards where I saw Stuart and I felt all my feelings for him renew. I sat in front of him and pulled him into a deep kiss, pulling him closer to me. I felt our tongues dance in each others mouth then we both pulled away.

â�œYou seem happy to see me.â� He said to me, with his arms wrapped around my waist.

â�œAs always.â� I smiled and kissed him again, leaning back on his chest and found myself lost in his eyes.

I sat there with Stuart for about an hour. Just staring at him, giving each other frequent kisses. I loved these moments we would have. Just us two laying here. Loving each other.

I looked up and saw Stuart asleep. Then after a whileâ�¦I felt myself dozing off myselfâ�¦

(A/N: Helloo readers. This is short. Yes. But it's midnight, I have a sore throat and I need sleep. So enjoy)

Revolve Around Me...(Part 1)

(Hello readers! This is a new fan-fic I've just been working on. Just to warn you, this will contain Frerard, Boysex, Femmislash scenes.)

Roseâ�™s POV

I woke up from my bed and felt cold sheets beside me. Stuart must be up or he didnâ�™t get home last night from the gig. That was fucking mental. I think the only thing I can remember was performing with the guys and some pictures from the party afterwards. Itâ�™s all still a fucking blur. But at least someone got my ass home last night, probably my boyfriend, one of the guys or my sister.

I got up and walked my ass to the bathroom and managed to reach the sink and I looked in the mirror. All I saw was the usual fucked up, rough, hung-over me as always. Iâ�™ve always liked a drink, but now, it seems like I need it always. Iâ�™m not an alcoholic or nothing, just like my drink.

After washing my face and barfing up a little I made myself walk in the kitchen and what do ya know? Coffee! Just what I fuckinâ�™ need right now!

I poured the coffee in a mug and sat down at the table. My sight was still blurry and my head fuckinâ�™ hurts like hell. But thatâ�™s what I have to pay for I guess.

Then I heard the door shut and footsteps getting closerâ�¦closerâ�¦and closerâ�¦

Fuck! Iâ�™m too fuckinâ�™ hung over for people breaking in right now!

I walked, well more tumbled to the front door to see who the fuck is in my house right now and no one was there. Am I still drunk or something?

â�œYou managed to wake up then?â� I heard a voice from behind me.

I turned around to see my boyfriend. Stuart. Iâ�™ve been with him for like 2 years now. But every time I hear him, see him or feel him touching me sends me chills! But I didnâ�™t feel like that right now. Blame hangovers.

â�œYeah, what the hell is in the bag?â� I asked him noticing the white carrier bag which was pretty big. What the fuck is that!?

â�œWellâ�¦theseâ�¦â� He said to me and gave me a pack of aspirins. I smiled then took three and swallowed them whole. â�œAnd I went to get food. We do need to eat ya know?â�

I just nodded and watched him walk to the kitchen and I felt the chills coming to me again. I knew it was Stuart doing this to me as he always does.

*Time lapse- 6pm*

I layed there on Stuarts lap and watched One Hour Photo. But I didnâ�™t really watch it. I was just staring in my boyfriend eyes. I love his eyes; they just make me forget about everything thatâ�™s around me. But I snapped out of my thoughts when I heard the phone ring.

I ignored it and leaned into Stuart, pulling him into a deep kiss. He wrapped his arms around my waist and I flung my arms around his neck. But the phones wouldnâ�™t stop ringing. So I pulled away from the kiss and answered.

â�œWhat the fuck do you want then?â� I answered pretty rudely. I was just pissed off at this guy calling me while I was spending quality time with my boyfriend.

â�œRose, its Kim you shit!â� I heard Kimâ�™s laugh. I smiled. Weâ�™ve been friends since Iunno, the 5^th Grade? But sheâ�™s my manager, guitarist and back up singer in our band too which just makes it rock even more.

â�œYeah Kim, whatâ�™s so goddamn important?â� I asked her since she doesnâ�™t call my house number unless something is up.

â�œWellâ�¦I was at eyeball the other day and spoke to this bandâ�™s manager Brian? And you are going on tour!â�

â�œOh great!â� I told her sarcastically. I just got back from tour. I really didnâ�™t want to go and leap around the whole of New York again, but I guess I have to. We need the fuckinâ�™ money.

â�œOkay? Who would we have to support?â�

â�œMy Chemical Romance I think.â� She told me. I kinda froze. They just signed on to Warner Broâ�™s from the same label Iâ�™m on!! I wanted to scream!

â�œKim, am I hearing right? This better not be one of your fucking jokes!â�

â�œNo dude! Iâ�™m serious! The guys heard some of our stuff and they asked if we were willing to tour with them!â� She shouted down the phone.

â�œKim, you better of fuckinâ�™ said yes!â� I screamed at her.

â�œWhat the fuck do you think!? Anyway, youâ�™re gonna tour around the US. They said theyâ�™ll provide a bus and shit. Weâ�™ve worked out the dates. Just get your ass here early in the morning for the arrangements Rose!â� She screamed back at me.

Then she hung up.

â�œAnother tour?â� Stuart sighed. I felt really shitty. Weâ�™ve hardly spent anytime together since I was signed to Eyeball. I was always doing gigs. But Iâ�™ll make sure he comes with me this time.

â�œYeah, and this time youâ�™re gonna be coming with me okay?â� I told him. He smiled. Then I sat back down in Stuarts lap. I went to the side and put my feet on the couch, resting back.

We sat there for a lil while then I found myself drifting to sleep.

(A/N: Just to let you know, I will still be writing What I'm Dying To Say Is That I'm Crazy For You. I'm just waiting for Kim lol)

Should I just go and die?

This has got me thinking.

I have no real freinds and all of the freinds I thought I had well, they aren't no true freinds are they?

Nearly everyone I know think I'm a whore and I don't even know why.

None of my family care about what I do. I could be dead for all they know and well, they just don't care.

I wonder, maybe things would be better for everyone if I was never born? I mean, people are telling me to go die.

People only seem to wanna be my freind because they either want something off me or wanna find out someting.

Some nice like I have huh?

Do this for me please!

â™¡1.Whats your Name? â™¡2. Are we close? â™¡3. What do you think of me? â™¡4. Do you hav a crush on me? â™¡5. Would u kiss me? â™¡6. would u fuk me? â™¡7. Describe me in 3 words? â™¡8. If u Had Me for 30 Mins wat would you do? â™¡9. What was ur first impression of me? â™¡10. Do u still think the same? â™¡11.. What reminds u of me? â™¡12. If you could give me anything what would it be? â™¡13. How well do u know me? â™¡14. What do u like best about me? â™¡15. Ever wanted 2 tell me something u could'nt? â™¡16. Could you ever love me? â™¡17. Give me a nickname and explain why? â™¡18.R u gona put this on ur blog and c wat i say bout u? â™¡19.Anything 2 say b4 u go?

What I'm Dying To Say Is That I'm Crazy For You..(Part 6)

Misfits...

Frankâ�™s POV

I kept walking. I just kept walking away from the party, from Mikey, from my friends but most importantly, from Gerard. So many things where rushing in my head right now. The fact Gerardâ�™s fucking boyfriend beat the shit outta meâ�¦

Gerard kissed meâ�¦

Gerard fucking Way kissed me.

â�¦

I kissed him backâ�¦

I walked until I didnâ�™t know where I was. My cell phone had no fucking signal so it was no use. I looked around just to see an empty street what was actually quite terrifying so I blocked out all the scary thoughts I had and just kept walking the cold streets till I found a market. It was closed though, but the lights where on so I figured someone would be in checking stocks and stuff and hopefully I could use a phone or something to call my mom or Mikey. â�˜Cause being on the streets at 1am in New Jersey? Not good...

I started to run to the store and got to the door. I opened it and walked in the store looking for the office so I could find the manager but I started to hear voices so I walked in that direction.

Something about me being here didnâ�™t feel right. But fuck it. Itâ�™s the only way I can probably get home from here.

Gerardâ�™s POV

â�œOh! So the little bitchâ�™s name is Frankie!!â� Jake screamed out as he pushed himself into me more and all I could do is let out a cry.

No one at the party could help me. They are all to shit scared of Jake and since Iâ�™m â�œJakes bitchâ�, they wonâ�™t help. But I needed to get myself out of here. Away from this party, away from Jake, away from this person I have become. I need to get away from this for myself, For Mikey, for all my friends. For Frankâ�¦

â�œSay you love me you lil whore! Say it to me!!â� I heard Jake shout in my ear as he grabbed me by the hair. I was in enough pain alreadyâ�¦

â�œN...No!â� was all I managed to stutter out as I felt a hand hit my cheek. I was too weak. The drugs were still in me, I had Jake inside of me. All I want is for someone to come in here and get me awayâ�¦ But that will never happenâ�¦

Mikeyâ�™s POV

Nowâ�¦ what the fuck was all that about?! I know Jake is a complete asshole and I donâ�™t know what the fuck Gerard sees in a waste of fucking space like him. But how could he do that to Frank? He hasnâ�™t even met him! Manâ�¦if I only I could do something. But what can I do really? I mean, Iâ�™m a fucking twig!

I just sat here with a beer in my hand, watching the blank TV screen thinking but the only thoughts I had was about Frank. I was worried about him. I know. Heâ�™s probably gone home or something but I needed to see him I mean, heâ�™s my best friend for Christâ�™s sake and he seemed really upset. I mean, who wouldnâ�™t be when a fucking guy you donâ�™t even know beats the shit outta you for no fucking reason!

â�œMikey, man are you okay?â� Syn asked and sat on the couch with me.

â�œYeah Iâ�™m fine man. Itâ�™s just...â� I sighed. â�œItâ�™s just what happened with Frank. Iâ�™m worried about him.â�

â�œWell, he is your best friend. Have you called him?â� He asked and gave me his phone. I punched in his number.

â�œHey! Well, Iâ�™m probably busy jerking off right now soâ�¦canâ�™t really come to the phone. But Iâ�™ll call ya back if ya leave me a message!â� I heard his voice mail.

â�œWent straight to voice mailâ� I told Syn and gave him back his cell. I sighed. I needed to talk to him. I needed to make sure he was okay. Fuck why did Jake have to be here? Why did my stupid brother have to her involved with a jerk like that? Why couldnâ�™t he just be like the brother I used to have?
Life was so much simpler then. He was at school, he cared about life, me and him were a lot closer and he was always the one looking out for me. Now Iâ�™m the one looking out for him. Making sure he would get home. Getting him out of jail when he would get arrested for being too drunk and disorderly and shit like that.

â�œMikey, if you want I can take you to Frankâ�™s. See if he got home okayâ� Syn told me snapping out of my thought.

â�œNo, its okay. You gotta make sure your house doesnâ�™t get trashed out.â� I told him. And plus, he looked too drunk to drive.

â�œWell, okay. See ya Monday then?â�
â�œYeah Monday. See ya Brian.â� I told him grabbing my car keys and coat and walked out to the car.

Frankâ�™s POV

I kept walking to these voices I heard and found myself in this meat freezer. These voices got more and more stronger now. And these voices I heard didnâ�™t sound good. I saw these 2 guys standing up with guns in their hands and a little skinny dude sittinâ�™ in a chair and looked like he had the living shit kicked outta him. He had bruises and cuts all over his face. I then realised I needed to get the fuck outta here.

I silently ran to the door trying to open it but it wouldnâ�™t move. Fuck! Iâ�™m locked in here and I could get myself fucking killed! I think maybe if I be really quiet, theyâ�™ll go and open the door so I can get myself the hell outta here and get home.

â�œSoâ�¦.where the fuck is my money Luigi?!!â� I heard one of the guys scream and I saw the guy hit the dude sittinâ�™ on the chair with his gun.

I started to feel really sick being around all this meat. Iâ�™m a vegetarian see. And the smell and look of being around all this dead animal was horrible. But it was either this or be killed. So I just held my stomach and kept quiet.

â�œTonyâ�¦Iâ�¦I promise Iâ�™ll pay ya back! Thing have been tight! Pleaseâ�¦donâ�™t kill me!â� This guy Luigi was crying and begging for his life. I felt for him.

Then I saw this Tony guy put a gun to Luigiâ�™s head. Andâ�¦.BANG!!

All I saw was Luigiâ�™s brains splattered everywhere. I was so fucking scared. I felt my heart racing and I was shaking. I just wanted to go home now. I didnâ�™t care who took me home. I just wanted to go home.

The two guys walked away out the back outside and I was still. I couldnâ�™t physically move. I looked at the guyâ�™s body. There was blood everywhere. Flesh. I wanted to throw up. But I heard a car going further and further away and I ran outside from where those men walked out.

I felt dizzy nauseous, sick, everything bad I could feel I felt. I felt my blood wounds on my face dry up. Then I found myself puking. Then I blacked out completely on the cold wet concreteâ�¦

Mikeyâ�™s POV

I drove and drove until I found Frankâ�™s house. I havenâ�™t been to his house that much. Heâ�™s mostly been at my house but itâ�™s understandable since his parents donâ�™t accept who he is which is fucked up. I donâ�™t understand why. Just because heâ�™s gay doesnâ�™t make Frank any less of their son! Itâ�™s who he is. And his parents are so fucked they just canâ�™t accept that.

I got out the car and walked up to his front door. The lights were on thankfully. So Frank must be here so I rang the bell.

Some woman walked out. She didnâ�™t look old. Just aged.

â�œUmmâ�¦may I help you boy?â� She asked me.

â�œYeahâ�¦ Iâ�™m looking for Frank. Is he here?â� I asked trying to sound polite. This felt kinda awkward.

â�œSorry, heâ�™s not here. Heâ�™s at a partyâ�¦â�

â�œYeah, thatâ�™s the reason Iâ�™m here. There was a fight and Frank left and I thought he came here since he just left.â� I told her the truth. So Iâ�™m guessing this is Frankâ�™s mom.

â�œWell, he hasnâ�™t been home.â� She didnâ�™t sound like she cared much about her son. I mean, I sure if any mother found out their son just left a party after he was beaten up they would at least asked if he was okay!

â�œOhâ�¦okay. Bye.â� I told her and walked away back to the car and drove off.

I drove until I found myself on this dead street. I didnâ�™t see anyone, no cars, or nothing but seeing as itâ�™s like 2am.

I got out the car and locked it shut and tried calling him againâ�¦and magic! I got throughâ�¦

â�œIf I cut off
your arms,
and cut off your legs.
Will you still love me?
Anyway?â�

Misfits. FUCK! I spotted Frank out cold. Holy shit!

I put my cell in my pocket and took an attempt to carry Frank in the car. Luckily my arms could carry him and I put him on the back seat of the car and got in and drove off.

I drove and drove for like a mile till I found a hospital. Looked like a private hospital. But fuck it. He needs help!

I stopped outside the door were it said A&E, got out and grabbed Frank. Then I realised he was covered in puke but I didnâ�™t care.

I picked him up and carried him into the doors and screamed out â�œHELP!â� then I saw like, 6 doctors come by me. They took Frank away then took me into a room and gave me a shirt since I was covered in puke from Frank. I changed then was escorted to the waiting room and these two officers spoke to me.

â�œSir, we need to ask you a few questions okay?â� The first guy told me and sat on the chair. I nodded and looked at the wall.

â�œWhatâ�™s yours and the boyâ�™s name?â�

â�œIâ�™m Mikey Way, and the boy is my friend Frank.â� I told them.

â�œFrank?â�

â�œSorry, Frank Iero.â� I said.

â�œAnd would you mind telling me what happened son?â� He said looking at me with a questioning look. What did he think I did this!?

â�œWell, we were at our friendâ�™s party and there was a fight.â� I told them and they were both writing this down. â�œAnd Frank was badly beaten up so that explains the cuts and bruises. Then he left the party. And I went looking for him and I called his cell phone. And I found him out cold on this dead street.â�

They wrote everything down on their notepads. I told them everything from what I know. I didnâ�™t mention any names of course. â�˜Cause I knew that if the school found out that Brian invited kids from our school to his party, he could lose his job and I didnâ�™t want him to get into trouble.

I sat there. Gazing at the window I saw Frank in. The only thing I had on my mind was Frank. I was so scared. He might have died out there and I felt it would have been all my fault.

â�œMr Mikey Way?â� I heard some guyâ�™s voice and I turned around.

â�œYeah, is Frank okay?â�

â�œHeâ�™s okay for now. Weâ�™re keeping him in overnight just to give him the all clear.â� The doc told me.

â�œCan I see him?â�

â�œIâ�™m afraid we canâ�™t let you since youâ�™re not family.â� He told me trying to be understanding.

â�œBut Iâ�™m his best friend! Please! His family donâ�™t care!â� I was getting really stressed out at this stage. All I wanted was to make sure he was okay.

â�œWellâ�¦fine okay. But if anyone asks, youâ�™re his brother okay?â�

â�œFine. What ever. What doc are you anyway?â� I asked him.

â�œIâ�™m doctor Euringer.â� He told me. Then I walked to Frank.

I walked in the room and saw Frank. He was pale. He had stitches in his cheek and face and bruises on his cheeks. I just sat there by his side.

(A/n: I'm so so so so so sorry I took sooo long to update! My internet went totally shit! Next update should be as soon as! I promise!)